Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?