Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.