Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.