Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.