I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.