You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.