If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.