If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).