I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

There's something therapeutic about connecting with an audience - when there's something really sort of odd or silly that you think is funny, and conveying it to an audience.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.