I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.