Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I don't emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it's truly a toss-away word.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.