Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.