I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.