Try not to wake up on fire.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.