Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show.

Anyone who can't say blank is deceitful.

I come out before an audience and maybe my house burned down an hour ago, maybe my husband stayed out all night, but I stand there. ... I got them with me, right there in my hand and comfortable. That's my job, to make them comfortable, because if they wanted to be nervous they could have stayed home and added up their bills.

Love is like a card trick. After you know how it works, it's no fun any more.

I'm a bad woman, but I'm damn good company.

I've done everything in the theatre except marry a property man.

I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls!