I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.