Felipe Esparza Quotes

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.