I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.