I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.