I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.