I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.