I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.