Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.