I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.
I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.