I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.