I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.