I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.