I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.