I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.