While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.