Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.