Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.