I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.