I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.