I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.