I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.