I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.