If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.