If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.