Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.