I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.