Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.