Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.