Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.