I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.