I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.