I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.