We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.