We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.