Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.