Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don't give you speech therapy; they don't even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there's a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.