Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.