The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.