An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

The last man that makes a joke owns it.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.