A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

A man can be right and president, but he can't be both at the same time.

I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night.