Vice goes along way towards making life bearable. A little vice now and then is relished by the best of men.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

A rayformer thinks he was ilicted because he was a rayformer, whin th thruth iv th matther is he was ilicted because no wan knew him.

I care not who makes th' laws iv a nation, if I can get out an injunction.

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.

If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around.

Don't jump on a man unless he is down.