There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

If a man is wise, he gets rich an' if he gets rich, he gets foolish, or his wife does. That's what keeps the money movin' around.

When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

A man's idea in a game of cards is war, cruel, devastating, and pitiless. A lady's idea of it is a combination of larceny, embezzlement and burglary.

A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.