Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

Meditation is a gift confined to unknown philosophers and cows. Others don't begin to think till they begin to talk or write.

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

There's always wan encouragin' thing about th' sad scientific facts that come out ivrv week in th' pa-apers. They're usually not thrue.

It must be a good thing to be good or ivrybody wudden't be pretendin' he was.

To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes.