I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.

Viceis a creature of such heejous mienthat th' more ye see it th' betther ye like it.

Th' newspaper does ivrything f'r us. It runs th' polis foorce an' th' banks, commands th' milishy, controls th' ligislachure, baptizes th' young, marries th' foolish, comforts th' afflicted, afflicts th' comfortable, buries th' dead an' roasts thim aftherward.

Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it

Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.

What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.