When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.

There aint any news in being good. You might write the doings of all the convents of the world on the back of a postage stamp, and have room to spare.

The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle - on the back of a dollar.

A game you play with your own worst enemy-yourself.

A lie with a purpose is one of the worst kind, and the most profitable

Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.