Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.

Communists all seem to wear small caps, a look I consider better suited to tubes of toothpaste than to people.

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.

Things that people will say to me, mostly, is that you shouldn't have all these books. It's too expensive.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.