Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Most writers write too much. I have the exact opposite problem. I feel I could write almost anything in a paragraph. I have a natural ability to condense, and so I often think, "Are you kidding me? Five thousand words? How am I gonna make 5,000 words out of that?"

Now people need special costumes to ride bicycles. I mean, a helmet, what, are you an astronaut??

Donald Trump is not my fault. You can blame certain things on me, but not Donald Trump.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.

I wouldn't say that I dislike the young. I'm simply not a fan of naïveté.

Being offended is a natural consequence of leaving the house.