My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."