My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.