Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."