Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."