Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."