I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."