I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it!

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."