I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.