I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."