I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.