A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.