A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"