I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."