I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."