I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

Two Irishmen were passing a pub - well, it could happen.

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.