My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.