My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a bag of holly and they asked the Irishman: "What have you brought?" He said: "I brought a pair of knickers." They asked: "What has that got to do with Christmas?" He said "They're Carol's."

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.