My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."