My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.