My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?