The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.