Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy.

My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.