Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."