Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous.